Step 5 - Managing expectations

The first meeting between the two parties often forces people to confront their fantasies. Sometimes the "real" person is disappointing compared to the fantasy, but we all have our good and bad points.Try to develop a relationship that is based on mutual respect, trust and honesty. It is important to work along at a slow pace and build the relationship with thought and care.

All relationships require work to continue developing. You may meet your birth relative only occasionally, or you may wish to continue to meet regularly. You may just meet the one time. There is no "correct" path to take and both you and the other person will need to work out what is best for you both.

It is important that you take time to:

• Get to know the person for who they are.
• Work out roles and future expectations. For example, if you are a grown up adopted child, your birth mother may not want to be called "mum" or you may want to call her by her first name. A birth parent may also have difficulties in calling an adopted child by their adoptive name, especially if she or he gave the child a different name at birth and had always thought of them by that name.

What about extended family members?

Adoption reunions often involve other people as well. Try to be aware that the person you have found probably has to deal with explaining the reunion to other family members and friends. Added to this you may find that you now have a whole new family to deal with. This can take a great deal of patience, tolerance and understanding to work through and accept.

When the "honeymoon is over"

Reunion is a time of great excitement and of growth and change. Some people have likened this phase to being like a "honeymoon". That is, when you get home from your honeymoon, the real work of the marriage begins. Adoption reunions are often like this. Once the new exciting beginning is over, the hard work and reality begins. It is not always easy to continue on with a relationship if there are large differences in lifestyles, education, finances, life values, life expectations, hobbies and interests.

Getting on with your life

For a large majority, even those who find out distressing information, the "not knowing" of the past is over and they can then move on with their own lives. Some people involved in adoption have likened adoption to "holding their breath". Once the reunion is over and people have information about themselves, they can "go on breathing", that is, they can get on with their lives.

Step 1 - Before making contact
Step 2 - How not to make contact
Step 3 - Contact methods
Step 4 - First meeting
Step 5 - Managing expectations